SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hold on, hold on. That maybe uh nope. Okay, then I start like feeling the machine all over the place. Like, where does the car go?

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Hey everyone, I'm Charity.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

And I'm Austin. Welcome to the Central Vision Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

We're two hosts living with vision loss, sharing honest conversations about life through the lens of blindness and low vision. From relationships and travel to careers and technology, from family and confidence to accessibility and everything in between.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

We'll share our experiences, ask the questions people are already thinking, laugh through the awkward moments, and explore what it really means to live with vision loss.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

So whether you're living with vision loss yourself, love support, or know someone who is, or you're simply curious, looking for a different perspective, you're in the right place.

SPEAKER_02 1:15

And today we're going to talk about something that I know a lot of us who are in the vision loss community can really understand. And it's something that we wish that more sighted people in our community might, or not inside our community, but more sighted people that would maybe understand and maybe we should talk about more. And that's kind of the invisible side of having vision loss, things that you don't see that we experience almost every single day. And it can be really, really hard sometimes. It can make your skin crawl. I mean, for me myself, I start feeling my body heating up and I get really nervous. Anxiety is a real thing. OCD is an insane thing. And I don't even know if it's considered really OCD in this point, but that is what we're going to talk about today. So we're going to start it off with charity here and just something simple, charity. What's what's something that blindness makes really difficult for you that no one really sees, but you might face on a everyday basis?

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Well, first of all, my family does consider it OCD, by the way. And I I have I have a major case, I have a major case of it, apparently. Um so for me, I think what people don't see, um, I'm a fairly confident person. Um or I I try to give off the air of being a fairly confident person, but um I I approach life with a lot of anxiety now that I have my degree of vision loss. Um yeah, it in that part of it, the anxiety part of it, is exhausting for me. Um, I overthink everything, everything I do, everything anyone asks me about, activities we want to go to, uh things we want to do. I just overanalyze all of it. And yeah, I don't I don't think people see that. I come across as, yeah, let's go, let's do. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, how am I gonna do that? How am I gonna get there? How what's it gonna be like when I get there? Is it gonna be dark? Is there gonna be too many people? Is my dog gonna have an issue? Is it gonna be hot? I mean, all the things. It's all the things.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

So what what for you, like what do you think the anxiety like? Well, one, how's it show up, you know? And then also, like, what do you think the anxiety is all like actually about? Is it about like the nervousness of yourself being there, or maybe is it that you're gonna ruin someone else's time, or it's someone's gonna notice that something's wrong? Like, what is that for you?

SPEAKER_00 3:38

It for me, it's the perception. Um, like I said, I am a fairly confident person in my own environment that I know well, and I like to think that I am capable in all situations and circumstances, and I I try to make myself look or appear normal. And I mean, you can't. So for me, that's that's what it's about. It's it's about it it's not about interfering with someone else's good time, it's about how people are gonna perceive me. I want to be perceived as capable, but when I have to um I went to my daughter's orientation yesterday at her school, and she goes to a small private school, and it it's very small. It's there were a ton of people there, it was crowded, and I'm her mom. And to have her have to guide me around the school, it was I don't like that perception. I guess for me, that's what it is.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

Yeah, and I imagine that changes differently depending on like where you're going, right? To where it's you know, I you know, I'm you know, speaking for just thinking about it, but if someone's helping you guide around a school to where like, God, if a parent sees me, they're gonna think like, wow, and like almost judgment could come from that to where like in like was that a good idea to have a kid? Like, and I know everyone worries about being a parent, like going through what we go through, you know, and that's gotta be a lot harder than say I'm gonna meet some friends out for dinner, and like, oh, well, they already know, like, I don't have you know, there's obviously people in the background that could, you know, think whatever. But so you think it's mostly just by it's the way that people perceive you in the way they might, like in a judgy way, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Yeah, and and like you said, in that particular environment yesterday that I was in, 95% of the people there don't know anything about me. So they look at me. Now, I did take my dog with me, so a lot of times I get comfort in them looking at the dog and not looking at me. Um, but you know, we're sitting in an auditorium and Arlo's tucked under a chair, and even my daughter said, like, you don't even know he's here. And I'm like, Oh, but I want people to know he's here because when they come up to me and I I'm introduced to her teachers, her teachers walk up, or and I'm just there and I don't see them, and even when they speak to me, I can't see them because the auditorium was dark, and I don't know. It was it for me, it's about perception, it's all about perception and how I want to come across.

unknown 6:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Yeah, and I like you know, I get that myself, but I don't know, like I'm almost it's like what does what's the worst that can be done? Like you're gonna like you're gonna judge me, like it's listen, I know, I know I just knocked that table over. I I felt it, I saw it, but it almost helps me in a weird way. I mean, because I mean this all to me, I think this really all comes down to like how much you accept about your situation. And yeah, you know, I found it to put me at ease actually to really embrace the fact that I don't have that peripheral vision where I can't see who is looking at me. So where it's like, you know, it's uh you know it's that classic thing, if a tree falls down in the middle of the forest and no one's around here, did it fall? It's it's kind of like that kind of concept to me, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 7:14

Uh if I don't see your stick out your hand, did you actually do it?

SPEAKER_02 7:18

Did you ever do it? Yeah, that's exactly what I think they did. Right? Uh well that's I mean that's that's a them thing. But um I when I was just doing the uh the vision connection with the FFB, the Foundation Fighting Blindness, and I was uh doing my little table there, and how they brought me up as a vendor, you know, person to speak on stage. Like I have never spoken on stage in my life. And that I thought was going to scare me so much. And I actually was you know very nervous that I kind of slumped down on my chair when they said that. It's like, no. And my mom came up from the side, like, you know, they're talking about you, right? Like, oh yes, I you just had to be here, didn't you? Okay. And I get up and you know, I sit down on stage in front of this, you know, this room full of people, and they're and they're professionals too. You know, these are doctors and people that lead groups and like all this stuff. And um, they put me on the end, and you know, they you know, the the regional guy for uh the Foundation Fighting Blindness, Alex, he goes, like, okay, awesome, let's start with you. Are you kidding me? Like, you know what? Okay, and I started looking around the room and I like locked on on someone, realized, you know, I can't even see anyone else. So this is kind of awesome. And it made it very easy. I actually thought I was talking to just one person at a time. So that was very, you know, that was something simple for me. It it I think that kind of helps when I'm out and about going through all these things, even with like, you know, women, if I'm talking to women to where it's like I can't see like the way you're looking at me, so it almost makes it easier. It helps me hide under the veil that no one knows.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Yeah. And I guess so, from that perspective, I I kind of have the same attitude. I am not really so I want to come across as being confident, but at the same time, I am not embarrassed by my situation anymore. Like if I run into somebody, I of course, I, you know, I'm sorry, I didn't see you or whatever. But I do still have um I'm concerned, especially in certain situations, like for my daughter yesterday. I know what it's like to be um 17 and you're in high school, and it's her, it's the start of her senior year, and you wanna you want to come across a certain way. And I didn't I don't want to be an embarrassment to her. That's another big part for me in in those type of situations. Like I don't want to make myself stand out in front of her. So, in a normal situation where I'm by myself or I'm with my husband, I'm at the grocery store, whatever, um, I don't care. Like, yeah, like I'm I'm in your way, I ran into you. Oh, God, did you see my dog? I can't see. Like, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

But you know in those situations though, because I mean it's a perfect way to transition over to that, to where do you ever feel like you have to, you know, or I actually get nervous that people see me doing it. Like now I'm gonna have to explain myself. But do you ever have to feel like you have to explain yourself or someone actually comes up to you and asks you about it? For instance, when, you know, if you're on your phone and you know, if I if I'm at the bar, let's say, and I'm playing pool and or you know, trying to find the bathroom, whatever, and I and I obviously run into something. I do something that says, you know, either that this guy's drunk or just something else is going on. And they never just assume the vision, but you know, I'll say, I'm so sorry, I couldn't see you, I have this vision condition, whatever, and then I'll go and sit down and then pull out my phone to where like, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

Like this guy's blind, like that's rude of him to say that he's blind and look at him. You know, do you ever feel the need that you have to like prove anything or feel that kind of pressure?

SPEAKER_00 11:06

I don't feel like I have to prove anything, but in that particular instance, like in the scenario that you were just talking about, I would feel self-conscious using my phone.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Like I would, I would stop myself from doing things that sighted people can do because I wouldn't want people to think that I just said I was blind and I'm not.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Yeah. So I don't really, I don't feel like I have to justify. And again, I do. When I go to um check out at a grocery store, I can't find or anywhere for that matter. I have a hard time finding the the little scan thing or the tap, or they say, Oh, I have a question. There's a question on the on the screen, and it's usually about a tip. Yeah. And you know, you it's weird anyway. And I'm like, if my hand touches the wrong thing, I'm gonna tip them $200 or something. And I have to ask for help. Like, and I'm like, and then I'm like, oh, I'm visually impaired. And they look at me and they're like, Yeah, but you just use your app to buy Starbucks, and like, I can't see.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Yeah, I'm pretty bad about those uh the touch pads and whatnot. I actually just went to the ATM the other day and I was actually in the back of an Uber trying to do two things at once. And I, you know, I slide over to that side of the car and I reach out, I'm at the ATM, and I'm just sitting there staring at the thing. Like, where do you put the card? Yes, so I start taking my card and boom, nope.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

Sliding it all around.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Hold on, hold on. That maybe uh nope. Okay, then I start like feeling the machine all over the place. Like, where does the card go? And I'm looking at him, maybe I should ask for help. And then I pull out my phone and I'm looking at, and this guy in the front has got to think like this guy's about to steal from this ATM. Like, what is he doing right now? And I finally found it, and it's it was such a weird, like I finally found it, and I slide the card in, like, oh finally, okay. Then the next thing, putting your pin number. Oh, oh where are the numbers? And then I'll find the time when I end up in the Spanish menu. I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 13:27

Oh, that's great.

SPEAKER_02 13:28

Okay, que paso? Like I have no idea. I did I don't know what I'm doing here. You know, then finally I'll it and sometimes it'll take me several times and I'll type in things like 2000. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no, where's the clear button? Come on. It's always bad. So yeah, that's uh I get that. And that the store, like that's one of those times where I feel like my skin is overheating, and what like just it's crawling because I it's like I think everyone is watching me, and I know they're not, they're just buying their milk and their groceries. They're just doing, especially me on the self-checkout where it's a big pot of people, and I know there's a line, and that person's like, dude, can you just tap it? Like, stop tapping the machine, you know, like why are you tapping the candy bars, but it's over here.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Yes, and I guess that's where I feel I get very nervous because I don't want to hold up people, and there is a line behind me, and then I screw up even more. It's like, oh, it's terrible.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

It's so yeah, and it's not and never not everyone's watching you, and it's it just feels like that sometimes. And because I know I would. I'd be going like, what is this guy doing? Right, babe, babe, babe, look look over here. And I'll what is he doing? Do we ask him if he needs help? Like, I don't he he looks like he knows he needs to tap somewhere, but he doesn't have a dog, and I think that might be like a different perspective or perspective when someone sees me is versus someone with a cane or a dog, is yeah, now I look even more I mean if they saw a guide dog or a cane, they're automatically going to assume okay, this is blindness. But if it's just a guy who you know, especially when I walk in places and people don't know that I'm not driving anymore, and I walk in, like I look confident. I'm shoulder and I got some music in, like, yeah. And like he was good up until tap. Like this guy looked like he knew where he knew where the cheese was, he was going.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Yeah, and we can do that in places that we're familiar with, but get me into an environment that I don't know. And it is, it's terrible. It's terrible.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

So tell me about like so you know, you kind of mentioned it, but you know, and I know we know what it feels like, but what give me an example of something you you have turned down because, you know, the vision loss, anyone with vision loss listening to this, and the you know, the side of people who know someone with vision loss, you know, this is something important to understand about you know, people like us that deal with this is when we say no to do something, it's not because we don't want to hang out with you, it's not because we don't want to be around you, it's not because we don't want to go and get that awesome dinner with you or a drink or whatever it may be. It's we're sitting there thinking about all the steps that we need to go through, how hard that place can be when we walk into this place, you know, we're thinking about like and maybe it's just me, but the imagery, like you really imagine, close your eyes and imagine walking because I gotta open the door and I go in here. Like, how bad is it gonna be? How many people are gonna be there? What's the lighting gonna be like? And like every single like, is the bathroom gonna be hard to find? You know, like we think about all these things, and then sometimes that will ultimately make our decision whether we're gonna come or not, and it's not the best thing to do. We, you know, I always try to embrace like even if it's scary, just go do it, just go do it, figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

But so, what is like the last thing that you might have turned down and why the last really important thing that I turned down was last summer. Um, I I did not have a dog or a cane at the time. I was in between service dogs, and I had not yet had cane training, and I was I was appalled by it anyway. So I wouldn't I at that time I wouldn't have used it even if I had it. Now I have embraced it, but um at the time I was just me without any assistive, a dog or a cane. And my daughter had a basketball tournament in Kentucky, and it was 200 basketball courts in one like community center. Oh, it was insane. They had people, oh, it was it was more than wild. It was literally insane. They had people from um players from China, from um Australia, from all over, and then all over the United States and Canada. And so there were it, it it was crazy. And I didn't go because I didn't have my dog, so no one would know that I was visually impaired, I wasn't using a cane, and my daughter needed help with um she and my husband end up ended up going, but so she needed help like when she was going to register, he had to be there and it just the crowds of people. I was like, what was I gonna do during that period of time when he was registering people? And then I think about how am I gonna how am I gonna navigate these people? And my biggest fear always is when I'm with a sighted guide is them having to leave me for some reason. If my husband has to go use the bathroom, like what am I gonna do then? Or if I have to use the bathroom, what am I gonna do then? And my daughter was obviously playing basketball. So fortunately, when we travel and stuff, um my daughter, I'll just be like, okay, just go into the restroom with me. I have to use the bathroom, just go into the restroom with me. But in a year, I'm by myself. And and in that particular case, i I was by myself and I I didn't go. I I stayed here and I feel terrible that I missed it, but I feel like I would have been more of a hindrance than an enjoyment.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

And yeah. And it's really, it's not like, you know, it's it's it's you know, it's one of those weird things. It's not like someone could have made it better because just because someone says, like, no, I got you, like don't don't worry about it. It it doesn't take that fear away or that uncomfortable, you know, feeling away. It's it's it just exists until it and it's not really right for us to do that to ourselves. It's just it's something that kind of comes with it. You know, that's so go ahead. Uh just I was just gonna say, like the bathroom thing, you know, that's I'm always waiting for someone to get unless I know the place very well, which I typically only frequent places that I know very well, but that's not all that's not always the case. But I will usually wait for someone, male or female, and hopefully they're in the same area, but I will wait for someone to come because you know, like a lot of us in the uh community know, like I have walked into a female's bathroom more times than I can count. And it's you know, it's always like interesting, but then at least once you get in there, it's very bright sometimes, though, because if you go to higher-end places, that that bathroom is so dark. And when I was just at a um high-end like cocktail bar, Italian place um on Sunday. When I went into the bathroom, I'm in there going like so I followed my uh woman friend, and she went into hers, like, oh, I hope it's over here. And I just started kind of like feeling like door perfect, okay, got in, and then I'm in there and I close the door. And I have a habit of doing this, going in places and I don't turn the light on first before closing the door. So then I'm in there and I'm just like, oh no, where's the light switch? Like, I don't want to open the door because there's gonna be someone just staring at me when I open that door. Like, uh so I'm like feeling you know, I'm miming my way around the room trying to find it, and I look up and go, oh my, the light is on.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

It's already on.

SPEAKER_02 21:18

I just don't think it's super dim. And they they typically use in like higher-end places, they use these really dark features, dark counters. There was one place I went, they had a black toilet on a black like tile floor, and that was the rudest thing I have ever seen in my life. The audacity of having that is exactly but waiting for people, you know, waiting for people to go to the bathroom. And I kid you not, there has been a place to where I left the the bar or whatever it was, but I left because I balanced all the concepts like, am I gonna ask for someone to help me go to the bathroom or am I just gonna leave? I got an Uber and I left. Like instead of Of just like doing something so simple. And that was when before I was more comfortable with just 'cause that's like a simple task that we shouldn't have to you know, we it's it is what it is, but it's it's we're it's not like we're deserving of going through this hardship to where we have to ask to be helped as grown adults. And it's very confusing and hard, you know, to to deal with that. And then it's more so is always wondering how to pe how do people around us judge us, but we're always judging ourselves by how we think others are judging us, and that's never actually correct, you know?

SPEAKER_00 22:35

Yeah. So this year, um because I recognize that about myself, I recognize uh that I have put myself in a box, I've limited myself, and I have lost, I have missed out on a lot. And it oddly enough, um, this podcast is the result of me making a decision that 2027, 2026, this year, was gonna be the year of hard things for me. And I ended up going to orientation and mobility training, which was hard for me. And I decided to put myself out there and even reaching out to you. That was very hard for me. Um, but starting the podcast was something that I really wanted to do. It's not comfortable for me. It's not in my, it's not in my wheelhouse. It appears to be more in yours. Um, you're more comfortable, but it's it's it's putting yourself out there and not letting the vision loss limit you because it's just one piece of you. It's just one piece of me. And yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

Yeah, but that's almost like, you know, so when I was, you know, before I was really, you know, when this all started happening to me, I tried to hide it from my friends. You know, I would still go out and pretend that nothing had changed. I'd still go to shows, I'd still go to after parties, and I would end up sitting in the corner of like people's houses where the only light was, or spending a lot of time in the kitchen because the kitchen lights were always on. White counters, like this is my safe place right here. You know, I can sit right here, I can see everyone's face in this little area, you know, as long as I'm looking directly at them. But that was like the comfort zone. But to admit that that that was going on was very, very hard to do that. But you know, it was scary because all of a sudden, you know, because this happened in my later years in my 20s and everything had changed. People knew me a certain way. I was very selfish self-sufficient. I was, you know, I was good at a lot of things, which I'm still good at things. Like I can still beat people on the pool table, which is hilarious. No one likes it. But I can see that one window, I can see there's the ball, there's the ball. But a lot of times I'll circle the pool table looking for the cue ball. Like, where is it? Where is it? It's right there. Or I'll or I'll I'll shoot for the ball.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

Back up 12 feet. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:56

Or I'll shoot for the eight, and there'll be two or two more of my balls sitting out down the other table on the side of the table. Like, dude, you just lost us a game. I'm like, oh, sorry. But once mine card. Right. But once I started acknowledging it, and it had to be like a cold turkey decision. I had to acknowledge it, not just to myself, to everyone. It was that push that, you know, guys, this is what I deal with all the time. And constantly, and not saying it in like a self-deprecating way, not saying like, I'm sorry, I'm blind. Not doing that, but saying, No, listen, guys, this is what's going on. But going through that and getting more and more comfortable of speaking about what is actually going on with me, that's it. I mean, you can't hide it. And speaking about that, it made me accept myself and the world around me and the perspective perception of people around me, of myself, it made it so much easier. And it gets easier the more I do it. So, like, I love that you're putting yourself out there for like calmness, like the the year of like 2026, the year of hard things. Yeah. You know, I I love that. And that's you know, it's going through the hard things that you know eventually, you know, teach you and you know, help you learn and whatnot. You know, it's uh there's a line that I love, and that's uh pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. And you just have to find a way to not suffer, or at least a minimum, make your suffering worth something. And yeah, I think that's one of the best things about, I think that's what this podcast really is, is making our hard things actually means something for others, and that it had value that we went through it for a reason or are going through it for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

It's one thing that I found was very interesting when you're talking about um other people's perception. I I say that I don't care what people think about me. Like I can't, I can't help my situation, but deep inside I do. Like I do care. So I used to walk around my neighborhood all the time. And I, well, I still do, but I ran into some people and they're like, Oh, you're really nice. You know, I'd stop and talk to them. I get to I got to know people in the neighborhood, they're like, Oh, you're really nice. And I'm like, Oh, you know, thanks. So are you? And they're like, I heard that you are just like, yeah, what did they say? I was like stuck up or or something, because they would go by, they would go by and they would wave, or they go by and they're I'm walking through the neighborhood and I don't wave to someone they when they wave to me from my car or from their yard or they're walking their dog and I don't see them and say hello. And when I started walking in my neighborhood with my cane, everyone was like, Oh, oh, now I get it. Now I see. Right. And it it's like their their perception did matter to me. I know it was skewed and they were passing judgment on something they knew nothing about. And get to know me.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:01

If you think, yeah, before you pass judgment on me, get to know me. And sorry I didn't wave, but I'm not that bad.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

You know, and uh it's funny, that's that was the next thing I was gonna bring up is like how you know how often what some kind of characteristic that comes from vision loss, like how often that is misunderstood as being rude or being dismissive or you know, distracted or you know, whatever. And um, I I get that all the time. You know, there's actually a time when I start, it was just when I started telling people what was going on, telling friends and whatnot, and we were having like a party, and um, I was in an area with only like one other guy, and you know, he comes up and he tries to like, you know, what the kids say, throw depths and like you know, put up his hand to shake it. And I, you know, I just sat there and I and I know my hands are down on my side of me just looking at him. And right, you know, he wasn't very cool at that. And uh I I I looked down at his lips because I couldn't see, I'm either looking at your eye or I'm looking at your lips or I'm looking at your nose, whatever. I get I get I get I get one of the things. So I looked down at his lips and I saw like that just look like mmm, that look mmm, like this guy right here did not shake my hand. And I went, oh man, but buddy, buddy, but buddy, were you trying to shake my hand? He said, Yeah, bro. Like, dude, I did not know. My bad. He's like, nah, man, nah, nah. And he he walked away, or my other friend walked by or came in or whatever, and I was you know, funny enough, his name is Austin as well, and said, like, you know, uh, it's not say it's Kendra, Kender, will you please tell him that I cannot see, that I am blind? And he starts laughing and goes, bro, Austin can't see anything. And he goes, Oh man, and and what had happened that by the time that this actually happened, he had not spoken to me, the guy that was trying to shake my hand, he had not spoken to me for maybe an hour plus because he was that mad. And then I I mean, yeah, and then you know, Austin explained it to him. He was like, bro, I thought you were just dissing me the whole time. Like for an hour, like, where's the joke in that? Like, like all those mean mugs and stuff, like, no, man, that's not what was going on, you know, and it and that kind of thing worries me getting around people that are um, you know, because I I'm you know, I came from like sales and you know, uh from professional business and things. And you know, I like shaking a firm hand and doing that. So like what I try to do now, I try to is to throw out my hand first, but then you got to judge that too, especially the guy. Like, is it is it the the sideways thing? Is it like the bring the bring the guy in thing? Is it a just a handshake? Because then you end up doing some weird things with your fingers together, and it's like, all right, well, that was cool, that was really awkward for me. Can we do that again, dude? Like one more time, like same thing with high five. Someone will try to high five me and they'll go like right in front of you. Come on, like, all right, and then I'll miss it completely. Let's do it. Like, like, let's do it again, man. Come on. So, yeah, that's um it's it's I've had a lot of people mistake that kind of thing where you know they they take it as a rude, and like that's a great example of, and I know that I have walked by people so many times that it, you know, just hey man, like did I do something to offend you? Like, dude, when did you get here? Yeah, I was literally right in front of you when you walked in and said hello right in front of your face, and you said nothing like, Oh man, how long has it been since you've seen me? Um, I don't know, maybe like five, six years. Like, okay, let me tell you what's happened.

SPEAKER_00 31:40

It's been that long since I've seen you.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Right. You know, and like another thing that happened to me too was um when I was dealing with TSA, like do you fly a lot?

SPEAKER_00 31:52

I fly, yeah, kind of frequently, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:54

Okay. Yeah. So do you have any do you ever have problems with the TSA?

SPEAKER_00 32:00

So normally they're really good for me. They're normally really good for me. No, but I always make it really apparent that I can't see. Sometimes I make it worse than it actually is, actually, like to make it appear more legit, sadly.

SPEAKER_02 32:21

It's it's wild, right? That you have to do that to like so you don't end up in a weird situation. You almost uh over exaggerated a little bit. It's not because it it's not because we're trying to take advantage of it, it's because at least this way we'll avoid the questions or the yeah, the assumptions that we're just playing off of something, you know, that's not real. Because unfortunately, in this world, right, how many people do that? They take advantage of the system, they take advantage of the way that people treat them and they use it to their advantage.

SPEAKER_00 32:52

So many things. And speaking of speaking of TSA, I I will say the only thing I ran into, um, once they realize, so the first thing you know, you go up, you you give somebody, they're holding their hand out to get your idea or whatever, and I'm like handing it off to my right, and I'm like, I don't know where your hand is. Can you just take it? And then they have you stand in front of the camera and scan your eyes or scan your face.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:19

And they're like, you need to look at the camera. Okay, am I am I looking there? Like, yeah, do I have to go right or left? Just move my head, okay?

SPEAKER_02 33:29

Just move my head. Can you can take take your hand out, just tilt my chin, do whatever you need to do, man.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

And at that point, they realize that okay, nobody's gonna act this stupid today if they could actually see. And then after that, they're usually great to me. They're they're usually wonderful. But I often wonder if that's a difference between being a male and a female. Like if it comes, if it's different for you.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

Yeah, I mean, maybe I, you know, and that's one of the reasons I try to be so charismatic when I'm talking about anything with vision to people or exposing it to people and situations like that. But you know, I had a situation at the you know, with with TSA, and we were flying out um early in the morning, so it wasn't busy or anything, and we're TSA pre-check, and which you know hardly means anything anymore, it seems like most of the time. Everybody is and they they all make up their own rules with it. But you know, so we we drop our things on the belt, and then you know, there's that thing where you have to get in, put your hands up, and you know, like it's very star, it's very Star Trek, right? It's got this thing running around you, whatever. And uh, I'm trying to walk in to the I'm you know, to those little cylinders or whatever it is. I'm trying to walk into it, and I keep like something keeps stopping me. Like, what is going on here? And I look down, it's one of those um the the tapes, like the ribbons that go, you know, for lines, like the line ribbons. It's one of those, like saying you're not we're not using that today, which is a weird, like it I would think for you know security we'd be using these things, but okay. So you have to I had to walk over, you know, uh there like there's four feet next to me on the right, then another five feet up right from that, like an angle up, and that that's where little gate was. And my mom's, you know, like Austin, over here, over here, Austin. Like, what is oh oh, okay, okay. And the the TSA guy is like starting to get frustrated with me, like over here, sir. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I just can't see you very well. And I'm like starting to feel the metal railing, and I'm lapping, going, mom, where? Like, over here. And you know, guy again, like, sir, over there. You know, he's getting very frustrated with me. And at that point, I'm just angry. And I get through it, and I have to lean into him and tell him, Um, sir, I would advise to not get angry with people when they have a disability. And he had he even had some chuckles too. And when I did that, he turned around and put his hand on my shoulder and said, You've been selected for a random security check. And I went, Oh, did I? Did I? Okay. Random. Cool. Where? Yeah, tell me where. I, you know, I know, I know what's going on here, man. And um, I go over and they, you know, they're doing a like a deep check of me. Some other guy was doing, you know, all the things. And he looks at me, like looks over the shoulder, and he says, Um, he said, I'm so sorry. I saw you in line. I could tell that there was something off. Like, you have you have a vision difficulty, don't you? I said, Yeah. I said, I could see it. And I'm really sorry that I'm doing this. I said, It's not your problem, man. This was not you. It's absolutely okay. Don't worry about it. It's like, I appreciate that, man. I'm just, I'm just doing my job. Like, it's all right, man. Like, I appreciate you acknowledging that. So it's just, it's wild that I had to go through that when I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just, I mean, should I have leaned into the guy? Probably not. But I don't like letting people go on in their life and think that that kind of thing is okay. Like, it's I probably shouldn't have said it like that. But you know, you need to know that there are people just because you don't see what's going on. And what's weird is if someone's like angry or depressed or addicted to something or whatever, even though that's kind of invisible, I mean they're wearing it all over their face and their attitude, but people don't say anything like, Oh, yeah, you're not depressed. No, no, you're not depressed. No, you're not angry. No, you're not an addict. No. Right. So why do we get that? You know, why do people challenge us and we're not even doing anything rude or weird? We're not being mean about it. We're just not as good at at life as we used to be in some circumstances, you know.

SPEAKER_00 37:45

Right.

SPEAKER_02 37:47

Yeah, so that's a weird, odd thing. Um like, so what's a I don't know, what what what's something you think that you have to try? Like, what do you think is the thing that you have to try the absolute hardest to do? But no one even really knows that you're trying that hard. You know?

SPEAKER_00 38:12

There's so many.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

I mean, like for me, like one of the things could be, you know, rule number one, do not move anything in a blind person's area. Ever. Not ever to I don't care if it's one shoe laying five feet away from the other shoe. We know where it's at. We we heard the shoe bounce and kick, and we know the general area where it's at. Do not pick up my shoes and put them next to each other and put them at the door because I'm gonna look around for shoe A and shoe B for the next 35 minutes, you know?

SPEAKER_00 38:44

My biggest thing is uh, and I maybe I already said it. I I have OCD. Like I have to have OCD. And it is literal, like you said, everything in its place to the point where I have three pairs of identical shoes, and one has their Adidas, and they have I have a pair with a white stripe, a pair with a blue stripe, and a pair with a green stripe. And I cannot tell the difference between the pair with the blue stripe or the green stripe. Obviously, the white stripe, white on white, that's cool. I can do that. Um, but they're in the closet in a certain order. Like I know they go white, blue, green. And if they get moved, like that they're like, oh, you're wearing the wrong, you're wearing green shoes with, and that looks really weird. I'm like, no, these are the blue ones. I know they're the blue ones because they were right next to the white ones. And they're like, and my husband's like, oh yeah, I might have, I might have moved those. And I'm like, what?

SPEAKER_02 39:44

Damn it. And it's hard. I mean, it's just something that you can't blame people. I mean, now I know it's something, and now I need to tell people when they come into my house, do not touch any of my things, like where they are. And if you move them, you know, my mother is very, very good at this. Um, my sister is as well. And you know, they'll say, like, you know, maybe I put my water on the counter, but they're cleaning the countertop off or something like that. And they'll say, like, hey, bud, um, just so you know, your water is on the right side corner of the table. Like, they're they've gotten very good at specific places where they put things and to not move things. Um, because all the time I'll be uh because we for me, I will end up not trusting my vision myself to where if I know I laid my sunglasses like right here, and I will just keep looking right there. I won't look all over the house. I'll I know I know for a fact they were right here. And then eventually, you know, someone will say, like, what are you looking for? You know, my sunglasses, oh, I moved them over here. Like, okay. You got you have to tell me when you do that. Otherwise, you know, and that is very frustrating, you know. When I'm, you know, I've gotten pretty good at it, but when I'm leaving to go somewhere, I'm waiting, you know, because I only take Ubers now and I'm waiting for an Uber or someone's come to pick me up. Like, I try to be ready before I even tell them I'm ready, ready before I even call an Uber that I have everything that I need. Because otherwise, I'm looking for my wallet and it's not where I remembered it being, and I keep looking the same place, and now I'm going all over the place looking for a brown wallet on a brown floor on brown dressers and you know, that kind of thing. And it's but it doesn't get any better when someone moves it. So it's no, and it's I mean, so tell me, do you experience this? So I I felt like when this started happening to me, I felt that my recall got so good. My my memory almost spiked in a way that because I had to remember when I walk into a room, where's a coffee table, where's a chair, where's a bathroom, where are people standing, this and that, like what does someone sound like? What does someone smell like? Um, you know, all those things in my recall jumped up to the point where my friend, like, I'll be waiting, I'll be doing something. I don't know, my but my friend will be looking for something. And I'll go, yeah, it's in the other room on the right side of the coffee table on the floor next to the leg. You know, and they'll go, dude, how did you know that?

SPEAKER_01 42:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:06

Like so specifically because I saw it a while ago, and I know to not like I'll leave things on my floor when it should be cleaned up. It's not because I'm messy, it's because right now I know that's where it's at. You know, it's there.

SPEAKER_00 42:20

I do that with my husband a lot. Like he'll he'll say, like, ask me where something in particular is, um ketchup. Oh, do you want the open ketchup? Because it's in the free it's in the refrigerator on the right hand side, bottom shelf, whatever. But if it's if you if that stuff's gone and you need a new bottle, then it's in the pantry, it's on the second shelf on the left hand side. And and he's like, How?

SPEAKER_01 42:46

And I'm crazy.

SPEAKER_00 42:48

I have to because I can't look for it. Like he's like, just see it. And I'm like, Well, he doesn't say that, but most people are thinking, like, just see it, use your eyes. And I'm like, No, I can't. It's not there.

SPEAKER_02 43:04

Yeah, it is not there. It's wild. And so, do you does this happen to you? So, and I've talked to a couple of the people in our community, and they've said it does happen to them. Um, that the the ones that you know, if you still have minimal vision, like you know, for instance, retina it's pigmentosa, um, that you scan the room like a lot, you scan faces a lot. You your eyes are moving a lot, so they naturally get strained. And I found, you know, as time goes on, that I can get tired very, very quickly. I can and it's not my I it's not my energy that's tired. My eyes literally can't stay open. And it's almost feels like narcolepsy. And I'll have to sit down and I don't even all the way fall asleep. It's not that. Like I'll keep it loud TV on or whatever to make sure I don't fall into a full trance, but I'll just shut my eyes for maybe five minutes, 10 minutes. And I was shoot up with all the energy I already had, but I just run out of energy. Does that happen to you?

SPEAKER_00 44:05

All the time. Yeah. I have to, I have to literally stop using my eyes. I have to stop using my vision. And it isn't for for me, it isn't for things like if I'm sitting watching TV, I could probably watch TV all day. But if it's something that I have to search for, if I am um trying to read some paperwork, or if I am in a new environment and I have to take in all of the new things. Like you said, I mental map everything. I if my house catches on fire, I may be blind, but I'm the first one out because I know I know how to get out. They don't know how to get out.

SPEAKER_02 44:44

Just leave the kids, forget the kids. I'm out.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

I'm out of here. Nine steps. Hit the hit the uh what do you get now on? Hit the landing, nine steps, hit the landing, nine more steps and run. And they're like, what? Like, how many? And I'm like, you can see no right, right, right. But yeah, I do. I I spend a lot of time taking in information all around me, and it gets to the point where I just can't handle it anymore. Because you have to you have to know so much, you have to know everything, you have to know everything. It's hard.

SPEAKER_02 45:19

Yeah. And I'll in with that too, like I'll notice, you know, again right now it's pivoting toes, like just a the center focal view is all we have. And there's some things that I'll notice on people that no one else will see. And it's really odd. And but I think it's because I'm so used to having to like that little window. I mean, everyone else is a big window, and they have, I mean, they have so many details, but whatever I'm looking at is it's so much more focused that I only have this little area to focus on, and I'll notice the weirdest like women hate this, right? Because I'll notice their roots are coming in and stuff like that. Because if I, you know, because I'm scanning for certain areas, right? And they'll notice that. Like, I'll notice the little blemishes that they tried to hide that they hope no one else sees. And it's I'm not doing it intentionally, but like I can see, yeah, your hair needs dyed. But it's like you need to get that taken care of, right? But it's like it keeps me like, you know, still part of everything, you know, because then they're like, dude, seriously covering their forehead. How can you see that? Like, are you serious right now?

SPEAKER_00 46:25

All people. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:29

That's so I'm glad like you understand that because that's I mean, that's one of those things where I'll be talking to people or I have to step away from something, or like if I'm on vacation to go inside and I have to sit down and you know, just sit there and just get away from everyone and close my eyes for a second just to reset myself. And it's it's weird too. I think it's changed the way that I think and that it it's it's it's odd. It's almost like my world has become less visual, but the way that I interpret the world has become more visual. Is it I feel like that makes sense? Like it's such a weird thing.

SPEAKER_00 47:08

Yeah. I wouldn't, I I wouldn't have been able to put it into words like that, but it it does make it makes complete and total sense. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:16

No, that's the it's crazy. So okay, so as we're like getting down to our end here, um let's go with this. Like, what what part of like your blindest are you like personally the best at hiding, or at least you think you are that no one sees you go through, but you are like you're like, oh yeah, I can do that. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 47:39

Oh god, that's a hard question. I don't know because most of it it would revolve around it. I I'm down to very little. I mean, I'm down to very little.

SPEAKER_02 47:50

So there's well, so just so people know, like what so you what is your degree right now?

SPEAKER_00 47:57

Um, somewhere between three and four degrees.

SPEAKER_02 48:00

So three and four degrees. So for everyone listening, like most people, if you're sighted, most people have 180 degrees. So Charity's peripherals have closed in so much on her focal center view that she only has three to four to four degrees out of that 180. So you have to imagine. So if you're looking at someone's face that's three feet away from you, charity, like how much do you see? Like if you're looking at their eye, like what is it for you?

SPEAKER_00 48:25

Oh, I can't look at both your eyes.

SPEAKER_02 48:27

Well, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_00 48:28

Yeah, that's that's how I have to choose one. I mean, I don't see, like, if I if I look directly where your eyes are supposed to be, like if I'm looking at your eyes, I don't I won't see your nose. I won't see, I mean, I literally only see what would I I can't even see two eyes. I have to choose one.

SPEAKER_01 48:51

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

It's that small. Yeah. And it's only your eye. That's it.

SPEAKER_02 48:56

Okay. So with that being said, just so everyone understood like where your vision's at. So with that, what what is something you think you're the best at doing with that? Because I will put that in the context, whatever you do.

SPEAKER_00 49:08

No, I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 49:14

I would say for me, it's like this might you know spark something for you. Um really, I mean, it is hard to define one thing, but if I could give like an umbrella, is I become very good at finding ways to do things. I mean, now if it's doing something new, obviously that's gonna be a pain. But you know, I was uh doing some uh work on my patio with a friend. We were like setting up this fence, and I had you know, I had it mapped out in my head. How how can I do it for me? So I'm good at creating this strategy that I'll need to use that'll make sense for me, even if it's a little unorthodox, you know, and we're we're doing this thing, and I'm telling like you hand me this, you you do this, I'm gonna hold this, whatever. And he's like, You are really capable, or I forget what he said, like like McGuire or something like that. Like, that's really impressive, man. Like, I don't even know what you're doing right now, and you're making it work somehow.

SPEAKER_00 50:13

You know, that's I guess like you, I'm good at finding um ways around things to do, but it's the everyday mundane things. Like, I was really proud of myself. I have been having issues getting coffee creamer into my coffee mug. And oh, it's terrible, especially like there's certain ones, like um, if it has a red cap and it pours over the red cap, then I can see it. But this one had uh it was it was um Starbucks caramel macchiato, and it's so it had a caramel colored cap. And I'm like, there's no way, there's no way I can do it. I had it all over the counter. And so I found these little syrup dispensers that I now put creamer in, like the coffee syrup dispensers, and I just pump it in and I don't have to make a mess anymore. It's wonderful, but I will tell you one thing, and I haven't done it, I haven't done it in a long time. I will I will preface it with that, but I bet I could still do it really good today. I used to be a hunter and I could I could shoot a rifle 400 yards and hit a target straight on, and I have my RP to thank for that. Competition shooters use um use blinders to like focus their vision. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh I got my own built, I got my own built-in blinders and I got this. Yeah, I I could shoot 400 yards at a rifle and hit a target with a rifle and hit a target dead on. I don't do it anymore. I don't think it's safe. I probably quit when I was at about 10 degrees. I I don't feel like I'm safe with a gun anymore. But in the right environment, I could totally do it. I could totally do it.

SPEAKER_02 52:03

That's interesting. So I just actually went to a shooting club um in North Carolina, and uh we were at the range, and the one that the guy that we were there, because we were using his membership, he brought firearms from all the way from the 19th century through every war. And guys a huge collector, and he's mil oh, it's unbelievable, and military and all those things. But you know, one, these are some of these are priceless weapons, and it's you know, and and and I really want to see what's going on, but you obviously want to be very, very safe with it. These are all live ammunition and all that thing, right? And you know, so I'm trying to watch from afar while like he's showing my father exactly how to load this one and exactly what's going on, how to you know, cock it if it's a bolt action or you know, putting a new magazine in, whatever it may be. And then I get up to it and like you know, especially the safety, because every firearm safety is in a different place, it's different. It's so you know, I was always very sketched out around like you know, a marine, you know, uh range master, and then you know, this guy who's been in the military forever, and I'm sitting there like trying to like it was very nerve-wracking. Like, it's not like I'm ever gonna point the weapon at anyone, always downrange, but you know, where's the safety? And they keep like coming and moving my finger, like right here, and like he knows about my vision, you know. Um but that's I mean, that was something that was always, you know, is worrisome. And I actually wasn't too bad at the targets, I don't think. But I don't think I don't think that they were always paying attention to me, like, yeah, here's a blind guy, we're not gonna pay attention to him. Like, he he ain't gonna hit anything. He isn't gonna hit anything, but I think I did hit a couple, and it's when they would tell me, you know, you're down two inches on the left, and you know, then just the micro adjustments and whatnot. But when you're looking at it, that's all you see. I remember the Patriot, the movie, right? Aim small, miss small. Like that's like done.

SPEAKER_00 53:57

Yep, got it. I got it.

SPEAKER_02 54:00

Okay, very cool. I didn't know that you were like hunting.

SPEAKER_00 54:02

That's uh I haven't done it in a while, but yeah, I got some pretty big bucks. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:08

Okay, okay. That's very interesting.

SPEAKER_00 54:11

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 54:12

Oh, wow. Okay. So there's, I mean, there's obviously so much we can get into this, but it's probably a good point to wrap it up before we jump into some random conversation about something. Um, so I mean, is there anything else that you have to say?

SPEAKER_00 54:27

I don't think so. You don't think so? Yeah, okay. I don't know. I'm sure I have a lot to say about it.

SPEAKER_02 54:32

I know, right? But we'll save that for next episode.

SPEAKER_00 54:35

For next time, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:36

For next time. So thank you all for coming in and checking out episode two of Central Vision Podcasts. As always, even though we've only done this twice, make sure you go to our website www.centralvision podcast.com. Follow us on all the social medias, and that's Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. It's always the same username, Central Vision Podcast. Give us share, give us a subscribe, or on YouTube as well. Leave a comment, let us know what you think. Let us know what you want to hear. And also, as we said in the last um episode, that we want you to go ahead. If you have any questions, write us at our Gmail or send us a message and that's centralvisionpodcast at gmail.com. We want to hear from you. If you have a question, if you're sighted, you know, if you're a son or daughter, or if you know someone's vision loss, you just have a question and you want to know, there is no bad question to ask. We will answer to the best of our ability, or maybe we will have a guest who has the expertise to answer that question better. Thanks for stopping by. We'll see you all next time.